Sarah's Journal
by Jackia
Summary: This is the sequel to "Can't Fight this feeling anymore" I hope you like it...


**Disclaimer:** This is a work of fiction. The Characters don't belong to me. Please don't sue me, I don't have money! I hope you like this FF. As you can see is in Mac's POV Reviews are appreciated. On, with the Story...  
  
This is kind of the sequel to "Can't fight this feeling anymore" I hope you like it and please let me know if I should continue....thanks Jackia

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**Sarah's Journal  
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_I sit here in front of my fire place. All kind of thoughts are going thorough my head. I was involved with another man and I didn't love him. I didn't want to be alone, and when I realized that I had to put a stop to it. All the chances that we had to be together just seem too many for us not to be together. I wonder if I should stay here and be friends with him and let my life go on without any future for us, or I could leave and find a future for myself somewhere else. I can not keep crying myself to sleep. It was somewhat my fault that we are in this place in our so called 'Relationship' I shouldn't have said what I said in Paraguay, but he got me annoyed when I was happy to be alive. So I let my temper get the best of me and told him we wouldn't work. I almost took back what I said, but then I was hoping he would say something else. But he didn't. What type of future is there for us if we can resolve our feelings and insecurities? Then all the deal with the CIA came up. I let him think that I was with Webb, the truth is that I was hoping he would come after me and do something, but he didn't. Every time we saw each other we would say the wrong thing and it went worst. I wasn't helping this, and neither was he. However I had hope from our 5 year deal. Then Mattie came up, and the words he said to me cut me deep. It hurt so much that he didn't trust me. If would have asked I would have helped him any way I could; but he didn't and things kept on getting worst. I went to testify for him, because it was what he wanted. I barely contained my tears when I talked to the judge. Perhaps Mattie needed him more than I did. I saw his defeated face when the judge didn't give him the custody for Mattie, and I also saw the happiness in his eyes when I talked to Mattie's dad to leave Mattie with Harm while he recovered.  
  
I had to leave. I lied when I said I had a date. The tears held until I got to my apartment. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried for the things that didn't happen. I cried for the things we did to each other. I cried for the future that weren't going to have, and I cried for the children I would never have with him. For a moment I wanted to run away. I let the Marine take over the woman. I could let myself get defeated. I had to go on with my life. Even if it wasn't with him.  
  
I turned to Webb.  
  
It was selfish of me to do that. I did the same thing in Australia when Harm rejected me and I turned to Mic. I was more foolish before and I was hoping to get Harm to open up his feelings, but he didn't. Mic saved us both from making a mistake.  
  
But is Webb the same story? No I like to think not, but then again, I don't see any future for us. We could go on with what we have and forget about being a mother and having a family. That's why I had to end it. I didn't love him. It was unfair for me to do this to him. He was right when he said that I was with him because Harm wasn't available. After the events with Sadik, and when he told me that he loved me, I couldn't keep on lying to him. To myself. I did love him, but it's not the same as my love for Harm. I love him in a special way. We have something that can't be forgotten. What we went thought in Paraguay made us grow closer. I can't lie and say that it made me fall in love with him My heart isn't mine to give. It hasn't been mine since Harm came into my life. I won't lie and say that I feel in love with him at first sight. I think it was actually around the time when he followed me to where my uncle was hiding. I always pictured myself growing old with Harm; telling our stories to our many grandchildren. The tears fall again. Oh why was I so stupid? Why were we both stupid?  
  
Get a grip Marine.  
  
I guess I'm doing exactly what he did to me when he didn't tell me he wasn't involved with Renee. I can't bring myself to tell him. I don't know if it matters any more. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I know now that no man is going to be enough to fill his shoes. I don't if I could stay aside when he finds someone to share his life with. I know he will, Is a matter of time. I wish it was with me that he was willing to share his life with. I don't know if I will stand aside and see him with another woman. I don't think I can or will. When the time comes then, I'll find another place for me. Maybe I'll move away from Washington, the admiral could help me transfer to another job, another place, another life.  
  
Maybe I should start soon. But I can't leave him yet. Even if we are only friends, I can live with that right now. Sometime I think that I rather live like this, than not had met him at all. I prefer it this way. I can't imagine a life without him. This is the first time I'm afraid of taking a chance. If I lost him, I wouldn't know what to do. He's my everything. I don't know if it's better to live like this or risking all we have and giving US a try.  
  
Someone knocks at my door. It's really late, I wonder who it is. As I take a look at the peephole I see Harm standing there, he looks anxious I wonder if something's wrong. I open the door and ask him.  
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"Harm? Is something wrong? "  
  
"No Mac, I just had to tell you....that...I can't fight this feeling anymore. I love you....I'm in love with you..."

THE END


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